Columbine and sleepless nights

I was in my first year of teaching when the Columbine high school shooting happened.  As with the recent Chardon High School shooting, adults were left to ponder what could drive a kid to such extremes.  (As Chris Rock says in Bigger and Blacker, "What music was they listening to?) And then as now, the recurring theme is that each adolescent needs one adult they can talk to.  One adult who takes them seriously.  Notice that it is not one adult who CARES; most of the kids have that.  It is the listening and taking them seriously that we have trouble with.

As a young teacherI was struck by how much we dismiss adolescents' experiences.  It is hard not to roll your eyes when you hear a 14 year old go on about how she can't go on now that her boyfriend (of 2 weeks) is seeing someone else.  Or even if you are incredibly empathetic, our first instinct is to minimize the emotion, tell them that they won't remember him a year or two because WE know that on the scale of human suffering, there is much more to come and that, with perspective, this really is a small thing.

The problem is, that they don't have our perspective yet.  This may be the biggest heartache of their life to date.  And our effort to put it into perspective, might be seen as a quick dismasal of their experience.  An adult saying, "Your problem isn't real."

And when it comes to kids trying to get help for or with another kid, adults actually tell them not to "tattle."  Adults tell kids to work problems out themselves all the time, making sure they get the message that their problem isn't real, or that they need to be more independent.  In short, we create their parallel universe.

Case in point:
A teacher in a school I taught in caught a student trying to commit suicide.  It turns out he had attempted suicide a number of times in front of other students, both in and out of school.  We thought we had close, open relationships with our students and I asked a student why she hadn't told us what she had witnessed and she told me she had tried.  She reminded me of the day she told me he was so depressed and I cut her off at the pass, saying he was just melodramatic.  Read: Get over it.  He'll get over it.  And he may have.  Or he may not have.

So what does this have to do with my sleepless nights with Grant and Zoe?  As I was laying there for the 10th time in that angry place between the depths of sleep and full cognition, thinking that if I ignore Grant's wimpers that he may go back to sleep, I remembered that his problems are real to him and that I need to listen.  He's full enough.  He's dry enough.  He's not in any pain that I can perceive, but apparently, he still needs me.

If we want our children to come to us as adolescents with their problems, why do we begin teaching them in infancy that they should sort it out themselves?  That they should "self soothe"?  Why do we tell them as elelmentary students that they shouldn't tattle and should work it out?  They come to us because they don't have the language or the skills.

For well over a year I have been using trusty frienployee Ruth's phrase, "Can I have the next turn please" to prompt Zoe when she is in a tugging battle.  Usually it works.  She needs help knowing how to negotiate the tricky world of toddler toy sharing.  I hear her using it and coming up with her own scripts more and more.

So, here we are almost 15 years later, still pondering instead of listening.

Tip to try:
When your child (or adolescent or adult even!) comes to you with a problem figure out what they want before they even launch into the story.  Ask if they want help, commiseration, or just a friendly ear.  It's really frustrating to have someone try to solve your problem when you just want empathy or to get something off your chest.

Bibliotherepy for the Expecting Toddler

I found out I was pregnant with number 2 when Zoe was 18 months old. The store was in its infancy- I think the excitement about the store may have "caused" number 2's conception. It was less than perfect timing, but, as we learned with Zoe, there is no such thing as perfect timing.

I live across the street from The Briar Patch and they were able to direct me to some books that would get me started. I really wanted a book that would show Zoe what was happening in my belly. I found What's Inside Your Tummy Mommy, which has life size drawings. Now the text was way over her head, but there was so much room for conversation about each image. It ends with page that says, "Push! Push! Push!" and flips down to reveal a newly emerged baby. Over and over again we had conversations, that she led, around the images. It led to great conversations about nutrition, anatomy and our midwife.

We also bought My New Baby. This book works really well for our family because it shows a babywearing (not strolling pushing), breastfeeding (not bottle feeding), co sleeping (not crib sleeping) family. At first I was daunted by that lack of words on the page, but as with Tummy Mommy, Zoe knew what to talk about on each page. It prepared her for sharing night-night (her word for breastfeeding) and for mommy carrying the new baby. We still go back to this book a lot. She digs it out when she is working through something new.

From Day 1 we talked a lot about the baby in mommy's belly, but I knew it was a hard concept for the munchkin to wrap her head around. I thought that with proper reading material, the transition would be smooth. I thought maybe she would be a little angry at times and that we would work through it. What I wasn't prepared for was her moments of profound sadness. She loved him from the moment she met him. I really believe that, but there were layers to her coming to understand that he was here to stay and that sometimes his need for me outweighed hers. Challenging moments.

Thankfully I have several employee friends who could tell me with great honesty that it would get better. And it did. We still go back to her books a lot. She digs them out when she is working through something new. They have been instrumental in potty training, sharing, picking up and more.

Maybe I needed the books for therapy. Maybe they made me feel better and prepared me for what Zoe would experience. I learned that though the timing wasn't perfect for Zoe or the store (the store is a whole other conversation), that she became who she needed to be to make our family what it is. When I see the two of them rolling around on the floor together, or I see Zoe readinding to Grant, or teaching him a lesson from one of her books (babies only eat night night) I think that maybe the real lesson is that any timing is perfect.

Other great books:

Best Ever Big Sister/Brother by Karen Katz- Zoe loves this book almost as much as My New Baby. Lots of good images and text showing all the special things a toddler/young child can do.

Look at Me, Waiting for Baby, You and Me- Other great books in the My New Baby series. Look at Me focuses on all the things toddlers can do. This is a phrase I heard a lot from Zoe in the months after Grant was born. It helped me be mindful of not starting exclusively at the baby. Waiting for Baby inspires great conversation about pregnancy. You and Me fosters a great early relationship between siblings. Toddlers need lots of prep and these books are great before and after the baby comes.

Now I'm Growing: I'm a New Big Brother/Sister- I don't like this one as much as the others. It has a lot more "standard" stuff i.e. baby in crib, hospital birth, etc. But it has some great images and addresses the ever important "Where did baby come from," a question you probably won't hear from your toddler, but this book would be better for a 4-7 year old and I can see us going back to it for some stuff.

Books to avoid:

Big Sister Dora- This book gets everything wrong from my account, except Dora's enthusiasm. Barney's book is waaaaaaaaay better.

Arthur, Berenstein Bears, etc.- Any book that focuses on the jealousy, and fighting for more than a page. These books aren't just a reflection of how your child may feel, they are prescriptive. If you put it into their perception that they should be mad, sad, jealous, then it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Help them see how to be excited, happy and participatory!