Swan Song

Courtesy Anne Schmidt Photography

Grant is our swan song.  It is a bittersweet decision not to have more children.  I love everything about parenting, except the 24 hour/365-ness of it.  Every once in a while I wish I could step outside parenthood for 5 minutes, maybe an hour.  Of course there is the desire for a night of uninterrupted sleep, which, truth be told, this post comes on the heels of.

The twisted part is that is what I will miss the most and I am having a hard time acknowledging that I will never have it again.  The addictive crack of early motherhood is the cozy high I get from being needed all the time.  Outside of motherhood, that never happens.  When Grant wakes up before I get back into bed and I watch him sleepily feeling around the bed for me on the video monitor, two thoughts enter my mind: 1.  Argh!  Not yet, I am at at an intense part of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo!  and 2. Ahhh, he needs me.  Twisted, right?

The look a baby has when he spots his mother in a crowd of unfamiliar faces- never happens again.  They are always happy to see you.  It is a beautiful thing.  Beautiful and painful somehow.  Maybe just my longing for it to never end is the painful part.Years of teaching middle and high school students has taught me that the space is there looming in the future

Lying awake in bed, nursing him for the umpteenth time, I felt like Mario during his first liaison with his paramour Beatrice in Antonio Skarmeta's Burning Patience, "This moment.  This moment. This. This. This moment."  The urgency of his desire to hold onto the ephemeral moment in time, even as it slips through his fingers is palpable as he repinpoints it over and oper again.  Makes me tear up just to think of it.

I try to feel a little more Buddhist about it.  A little more Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese monk's Being Peace "Dwelling here in this moment, I know it is a beautiful moment, " about it.  A little more love this moment and let it go because every moment is a beautiful moment about it.  But it is hard.  .

The urgency and need is profound and heady.  And exhausting.  It has to end someday because I really miss myself.  I got pregnant with Grant right when I had reached the point that I could go out for an afternoon or evening.  When The Frock Affair, a new stylish boutique opened down the street from our store, I went to the opening party with Grant in my most stylish Boba and aimlessly fondled beautiful clothes that didn't seem to fit my current lifestyle.  It sounds funny, but I was unsure what "MomBetsy" would wear.  It is certainly different than "ClubhopperBetsy" or "TeacherBetsy", but I want to be a few steps away from "SpitupalloverBetsy".

The other sad part is that I feel like I am just getting good at this.  Becoming a mother a mother to Zoe was fraught with anxiety about making the "right" decision.  Everyday of my pregnancy I entered my food choices into caloriecount.com to analyze my vitamin intake.  Obsessive much?  Having Grant has relaxed me a lot.  It has helped me understand the gradations of right.

It is almost a shame I will never do it again....